Tribute to my father

My father passed away on New Year's Day...technically the coroner's report says Jan 2 at midnight. The photo above is the last photo we ever took of him...during dinner, our traditional Korean New Year's Day feast to celebrate the new year. It has been a sad and confusing time for our family these past couple of weeks but we will find our way. We have to keep going, get back to living because life keeps going. It's what my father had to do when he buried his parents and what my grandparents did when they buried their parents....the same ritual for generations. It still sucks though and makes me sad.

I haven't really been much for words these days nor have I been very social - I want to go about life a little anonymously for awhile until I'm ready. But I wanted to share the speech I prepared for my father's memorial service to give a little insight into a man you may not have known.

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My father was a quiet man. Those of you who have met him know that he is literally a man of few words. Growing up, Sam and I always knew when we were REALLY in trouble if my dad said something because he never said anything. When one doesn't speak often, their words carry more weight.

Quietly he went about his life... taking pictures, playing guitar, watching old western and detective movies, going to work and studying English. There was always a dictionary, notebook and pen at the coffee table. In these notebooks he would write phrases in both English and Korean over and over... It is funny because even though he rarely spoke English especially in public, he knew exactly what people were saying and you could catch him chuckling at jokes that you assumed he wouldn’t understood. It can catch people off guard and it is something Sam and I thought was funny because he knew more than he let on.

He quietly documented our lives in pictures. Meticulously cataloged, organized in albums with original negatives to boot. Yesterday we found the negatives from my 100 day party - labeled of course. We used to roll our eyes and say "Again? Do we have to take more pictures?" as kids often do, but this past week I am glad he did. It has warmed my soul to relive all those years and be able to even share a few laughs with my mom and brother over funny hairstyles we had or what silly thing we were doing at that moment. I am grateful for my dad's painstaking mission to capture every single moment on film, no matter how ordinary - because it was our lives.

There have been times when I wished my dad was more outgoing, more talkative, more whatever. Oftentimes I wished we did things together like other fathers and daughters. I will never know why he was so quiet - because he wouldn't ever tell me :) But as an adult I have grown to respect the quietness. In silence one can find truth and peace...In silence one can find strength and faith.

The past few months have been both challenging and a blessing to our family. Dad's hospitalization had come as a shock but he emerged from the hospital to a brighter outlook and promptly started putting on weight and getting healthier. Since that time he was smiling and laughing more than I could ever remember...he even started hopping on the phone to talk to the baby. I could not believe this was the same stoic person I had grown up with all these years. These series of events had changed something and brought us all a little closer together.
It's hard for me to verbalize what it's like to have my father pass away - It is still an abstract concept to me..Not quite real. He always worked the swing shift so it doesn’t seem strange that he’s not around during the afternoons. I keep thinking he’ll just be there in the morning wondering what all the fuss is about.

When I think about what happened, I am grateful that our family was all together with him for his last night. That we spent the evening with friends sharing a meal and laughing together, dreaming of the possibilities in the New Year. With a happy heart he laid down to sleep for the last time - even in passing he does so quietly.

I am reminded of the classic children’s prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

if I die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take

I wish for my dad eternal peace.