There are just some things you cannot teach

Recently Donut has been asking a lot of questions as she starts to make sense of the world around her.  I don't remember being 4...but I also don't remember being as inquisitive as she is, in general.  She hasn't started with the blanket "why" to every word out of my mouth but is asking very specific questions about some seemingly complex topics that I am struggling to answer in a way that is age appropriate.

Mostly she asks about race.  Which I had thought wouldn't be an issue since we are a mixed race family..where mom and dad look very different and our extended families speak different languages...she seems to have appropriately categorized Korean, English and Spanish speakers.  But alas, if it is what you have only known, I guess that is your normal and instead you try to make sense of what is different.

A recent string of questions include:

- Where are the black people?

- What color is (insert name)'s body?

- Are there any black people in this world?

I like to think my world is diverse...but it isn't in the grand scheme of things but it is representative of San Francisco which is largely Caucasian or Asian.  As I was facing these questions, I checked the census stats and sure enough we have a 6% African American population in SF county.  I tried my best to answer her questions and to remind her of the black people we know and then also talk about the different hair, eye and skin colors of the rest of our friends and family..to discuss diversity in appearance but we are all just people.  

It has been months...of the same conversation.  Sometimes she points and yells in public to declare she sees a black person.  It has caused many awkward moments that have tested me as a parent in providing agile response.  

People have suggested books, visiting different cities, tv shows and other strategies but I realized...

You just can't teach diversity.  It has to be learned through experience.

It is becoming so much more clear to me as we embark on the process of applying for kindergartens in San Francisco.  The lack of diversity in one way or the other is rather jarring when you visit certain schools.  The hubbs and I are evaluating each based on the merits of their program, available extracurriculars, and if they focus on what is important to us aka  foreign language, math and science... but  we do find ourselves counting the number of different color faces in those classrooms.  The homogeneous nature of some places did make me uncomfortable...even at the school that was 90% Asian.  

I have a strong desire to have my children be exposed to cultural, racial, lifesytle and socioeconomic diversity because I can't teach her that reality through books or stories in a way that will be real to them...in a way that it will help shape them as people...

I realize that it is me projecting some random insecurity or deep seated issue but I'm ok with it.  I grew up being made fun of for being different, eating different foods and embarrassed to speak Korean with my parents.  I also grew up in a lesser financial state than my children get to experience.  I am sensitive to having our children be empathetic to different circumstances and struggles that people may face in their lives and why that variety makes the world the beautiful and interesting place it is - it is the richness of ones experience not the riches that makes you..you.  And that is absent of color, money, gender, whatever.  

I know it is a different world today and it was even a much different world when my brother started school 6 years after me.  I don't want to hover and shield the kids from everything...I just want something that is representative of the world around them - so they can build their own relationships across a diverse plane and understand that we are all people just trying to live life to the best that we can..our lives are as different as we are and that's perfect.

The end of an era

This was a very bittersweet departure.  I spent about 8 years of my life at VMware.    I say "life" because I started there in my late 20's and during my tenure I not only ventured into new work areas and rose through the ranks...I also ran my first marathon, got married, had two kids, buried my father, bought a house and celebrated my brother's wedding.  The time is synonymous with so many major life milestones.  It is similar to people's reactions in selling their childhood home. Your memories and milestones are inextricably linked to the physical place - and by some home removing the place from the equation, it somehow dims the memory themselves.

I have been blessed to have worked for and with some of the hardest working, smart and inspirational people ever.  The value of what I learned wasn't truly recognized (even by me) until I started working somewhere else.

So thank you VMware for the best education ever - to be in the orbit of some really amazing people - and to be a part of history -- I feel lucky and honored.

Wedding bells are ringing!!

I don't know when everyone got so old...but somewhere in there Trisha turned 30 and is getting married.

My baby brother is no longer a baby.

Where did all the time go?  Somewhere in these past few decades...Sam grew up to become a man...met a woman...and they are getting married.

And you can see here....that Mr. and Mrs. Silly are flippin perfect for each other.  Very very grateful for Chelsea :)  I have to stop typing because even 6 months later, it makes me tear up to think baby Sam is married.

A Tale of Two Births

Picture above shows me, Donut and a brand new Nacho chilin at CPMC.  Admittedly I did not enjoy being pregnant either time but really do enjoy my children...most of the time...sometimes they make me crazy but that is too be expected.  With just enough knowledge and resourcefulness to be a danger to my anxiety and my husband's patience, I like every other lady having kids in their 30's obsessed over the right birthing experience.  It's a mix of suffering, martydom, entitlement and ego - there, I said it ;) 

With Donut it was a slam dunk c-section decision given she was in the breech position and in a pike formation.  But what I didn't expect was the sheer amount of guilt I felt that I was opt-ing for surgery instead of doing the "right thing" of birthing through the chute.  I should get over this because this situation is exactly what medical intervention was designed for.  In no way do I want to go backwards to the middle ages and risk both our lives but it is interesting how the social views are evolving towards pregnancy, birth and child rearing.

With Nacho, I felt like I had to somehow redeem myself and at least "try" to birth him through the chute... and I obsessed over it...how would I know?  is it dangerous? by how much? is it responsible for me to do this?  what if something went wrong?  And of course people were more than willing to share whatever random horror story they had of a friend of a friend whose VBAC went horribly wrong, ended up with an emergency c-section and now have a child with developmental delays because of the time stuck in the birth canal. 

Why on earth do people NEVER share the billions of good, easy birth stories?  Why is the universe insistent on instilling fear and paranoia in every pregnant woman?

Well let me tell you something, both births of my children were totally boring.  No screaming, crying or blood transfusions or whatever... just your standard infant pushed through the chute or extracted from a c-section.  That said...having had babies delivered both ways, I am not sure which one is better. 

Totally creeped out by nature

Did you know this is how a starfish ate?  I mean I knew this in concept...but I had never witnessed it in real life before...and am honestly totally grossed out by it. There I said it