I am an asshole

This weekend was Hollis' TNT fundraiser which I knew I was going to be late to, but in my retardation, I couldn't find an appropriate time to say anything to introduce our exit from an earlier evening engagement to go to the fundraiser party. In essence, it's my fault - and although it's "only a party" I realized this morning that I've missed EVERY single one of Hollis' fundraisers and even her birthday party this year. Really, what kind of big sis am I? There was always a reason, whether it be work, or a prior engagement...but this was the first time I said Yes but didn't show up. I really should feel better since I sent money (because isn't that the point of a fundraiser?) but alas, I feel no better than a flaky parent that gives you $50 for not showing up to yoursoccer game...ugh

Maybe I'm making a big deal about it...maybe too big of a deal, but something about this whole situation hit a nerve and I feel horrible - the phone calls and text messages also helped to cement my feelings of asshole-ness. Even a heartfelt apology feels hollow and empty here.